Let's Give This Bishop a Redo

Imagine this happens to you. You walk into your bishop's office completely unsure of why you’ve been summoned. Maybe it's a new calling, you wonder, or maybe he is following up on a previous conversation. 

It starts with the normal introductions, catching up on life and work. Normal bishop things. And then, out of nowhere, he says it:

“So the purpose of our meeting tonight is because you like girls.”

You haven’t told your bishop you’re gay. You weren’t hiding this from him — you just hadn’t told him yet, because frankly, he didn’t need to know. You were keeping your covenants. You knew how God felt about this part of your life. And sharing something like this with Church leaders is scary.

He continues, “I saw your post saying you like women.” This is odd because your Instagram is private and you have a carefully curated group of around 300 followers of family and friends. Your bishop isn’t one of them. 

And then you realize what has happened: someone you trusted took a screenshot of something deeply personal that you posted nearly four months ago and handed it to your bishop without telling you first.

What would you feel in that moment as it dawns on you that someone shared something personal with your church leader without telling you? And now you are unexpectedly in a meeting with a man to discuss your sexual orientation?

While you’re still absorbing that betrayal, your bishop starts to question you about your worthiness. He pries into your personal life. Your life is squeaky clean, but you’re left feeling like you’re inherently more suspicious just because you’re gay. Then come the warnings. Keep your covenants. Remember the importance of the law of chastity. Never date women. Go to the temple often, because Satan is trying to deceive you. 

Now imagine how you would feel walking out of that meeting. Imagine the thoughts running through your head. Imagine how it would feel to have been treated with such suspicion. 

This imagined scenario was my friend’s reality last Thursday (and I share this story anonymously with her permission). 

Now imagine going to church that Sunday. You sit in the same row you always sit in, but it doesn't feel the same. You find yourself wondering if your bishop is watching you a little closer now. And odds are somewhere in that congregation is the person who screenshotted your private post and sent it to him. And now you can't stop wondering who else already knows, and if you were discussed as a person of concern in ward council.

That feeling of being watched didn't start on Sunday. It started in his office.

“He cried during the interview,” my friend told me. “At some point I had passed his test, and I think he remembered the Savior loves me. Maybe the Spirit was in the room, but I was so worn down from the questioning, there was no space left for me to feel it.”

From the opening purpose of being here “because you like girls,” she felt like she was on trial. 

“The Savior reaches for people,” she said. “That interview didn't feel like the Savior reaching for me. It felt like someone was determining whether I was worthy to belong.”

I am confident that this bishop loves my friend and was sincerely doing his best, and she believes that too. I am sure that he was acting out of the very best of intentions. And yet he caused a lot of harm and pain that didn’t need to happen because he didn’t know how to handle the delicate situation of talking to a member of his flock about her faith and orientation. 

When my friend told me this story, my jaw dropped to the floor. I was flabbergasted that, in the year of our Lord 2026, a Church leader would be so unprepared and so unaware of the harm he was causing. 

Now let’s give this bishop a redo and walk through what he could have said. 

He could have simply told her that someone had recently shared something with him about her — and that she didn't have to talk about it that night if she wasn't ready. 

And then if she chose to share her same-sex attraction with him, imagine how it would have felt if, instead of probing for sins, he started by saying, “The most important thing I can do after someone discloses feelings of same-sex attraction is to listen and help you feel welcome.” Imagine how calming it would be to be told that.

He then continues by asking you the following questions to better understand the situation: 

• “Will you please tell me more about your experience?”

• “How have these feelings affected your life?” 

• “How can I help you?”

• “Would you like us to meet regularly to discuss this?”

• “Labels have different meanings for different people. What does the word gay mean to you?”

Imagine how empowering it would be to feel listened to and understood. Now imagine the bishop saying, “I want to encourage you to seek to know God’s purpose and to discern, through the Holy Ghost, specific and personalized direction on your path.” The bishop then asks, “What has the Holy Ghost taught you so far on your path?” 

That would be a really nice conversation, wouldn’t it? 

This hypothetical does not need to be hypothetical. I took each of those quotes from the Church’s “Counseling Resources” website. Truly. I just copied and pasted them and adjusted the pronouns for context. Scroll the website and see for yourself. I did, however, add the last question because I think it is a truly excellent question that I would love to be asked. 

I talked to my friend on Sunday night and she was still reeling. She went to church but was too scared to even look at the bishop. She went home and cried and cried. She is completely devastated. I wanted to help, but was at a loss for what to do. 

Then that night I got a text from a different friend who is queer and hasn’t gone to church for months. She told me that her bishop invited her to meet with him. She has had multiple conversations with her bishop about her life and her decision not to attend church. He has been kind and curious and has really tried to understand her. She didn’t know why he wanted to meet, and she wasn’t nervous.

But after what happened with my other friend, I was nervous. 

Relief washed over me when I read her text later that day: “He wanted to know if I would feel comfortable having a calling and if I would have a preference for a specific organization.” She told him she would be open to that and would even give a talk if she could base it on the Bible. She continued, “He said I have a good heart and that is what truly matters.” 

Isn’t that awesome!? It really isn’t that hard to minister to LGBTQ Latter-day Saints in a way that makes us feel loved and wanted. If this bishop had been my first friend’s bishop, she might not have spent her Sunday crying. 

Now, I want to give the first bishop some grace. I understand that it is normal to not know how to respond in a situation that is novel to us. And I can excuse ignorance about a topic that is totally new. But it is not okay to remain ignorant. 

I can’t fix my first friend’s situation. But I can try to educate the Church leaders in my sphere of influence so that they are prepared to be better ministers. So I’m going to reach out to my bishop and ask if we could sit down for 30 minutes and review the Counseling Resources page together. That invitation feels simple and nonthreatening and I would be introducing him to a resource the Church created for him. 

As Church leaders seek the guidance of the Holy Ghost and take the time to educate themselves about the needs of God’s children who experience same-sex attraction or identify as gay, they will develop charity and their capacity to minister will be magnified. 

Isn’t that last sentence lovely? Well, I didn’t write it. I took it directly from the 

“Same-Sex Attraction” page on counselingresouces.churchofjesuschrist.org. That is the message to leaders who are called to minister to people like me and my friends. Educate yourselves about our needs and seek the guidance of the Holy Ghost. We have the tools. Let’s all educate ourselves and be better ministers.